Don't freak Out

Dear Beautiful, Strong, Amazeballs body,
I'm not sure what you need or what has happened in the last month to make you hold onto weight like a mofo but you have.  I'm writing to you because I need to stress the importance of one thing: I will NOT fight against you in this journey.  WE will work TOGETHER as a team to figure out what WE need to be successful.

In the past, you are well aware that I'd get mad as hell at you and proceed to eat whatever I wanted, out of anger.  "I'll show you!  See how the scale likes that?!?" I'd fume.  No more.  I am amazed that you've still stuck with me when I've been in those mind sets so I need to say "Thank you" over and over again for not leaving my ungrateful ass in the dust.

So in kindness, we will figure this out.  I spent at least 3 weeks of February on antibiotics, traveling, and then re-couping.  I managed to miss a few workouts and then pick them back up to get them in.  I logged some of the longest hours at work in a 2 week period than I have in a long time.  I monkeyed with carbs, figured out that I do well with starchy carbs some time after workouts but not before because it gives me a case of the sleepies.  Earlier this week, with the help of my mentor, I figured out that feeding you only twice a day was a dumb thing to do.  So if you're freaked b/c I've been feeding you more, I get it.  Turns out that if you don't eat until you're hungry and it ends up only being twice a day, there may be some cues you're missing.  I think I was missing them and for that I'm sorry.

So when I got on the scale this morning and saw that our weight was up, I was a sad panda.  But I also allowed us grace.  Regardless of whether or not I do Lean Eating again next year, or never again, I will not disrespect or abuse you because I'm still figuring this out.  I think about the sheer amount of bullshit I've put us through with diets, disorders, recovery programs, meds, and I marvel at how resilient we are.  I marvel at how truly miraculous it is that we are at this point now.  We are stronger than we've ever been; we are becoming smaller but we are most mighty.

I won't give up on us;  We will figure this out because we are brilliant, strong, and in it together,
Always,
Wendy

Building my Instruction Manual

I realized last night, after almost 7 months into this Lean Eating journey that I was starting to phone it in a bit.  Of course, I realize these things at night, when I'm struggling to fall asleep (a lingering side-effect of traveling) and start to make grand plans on how I intend to fix things. 

So I realized that I stopped blogging early in my LE journey for a few reasons and none of them bad.

• My past attempts at weight loss were always wrought with anxiety, emotional upheaval and emotional vomiting all over the place.  Not this time around.  If I wanted to, I could let all of the emotional bullshit derail me but I just don't need to wear that shirt this time around.  
• My LE journey has been wonderful in that I've remained teachable, open to learning things differently, and probably the most patience I've allowed myself in any health-endeavor.

So I plan to use this place to sock away the lessons of LE so that I can come back and have a refresher if I need it.  I'm doing well; I've lost weight.  I'm stronger than I've been in my life in a while.  This journey, however, formally ends with PN sometime in June or July.  I'm still deciding if I want to sign up for another year.  The lessons are fantastic and the program is always changing.  My success encouraged at least two other people to sign up.  But I also hate to spend money.  So more to come on that.

Holy Moe!

So onto Phase 4 of workouts this week!  Holy Moe, talk about a butt kick! 

Sorry for the itty-bitty pic but I upgraded my weights this week because my 2-5 lb dumb bells weren't cutting it!  I needed a bit more weight and it kicked my workout up a few notches.

Thoughts about Phase 4 of workouts:

• Prolly the first time in my workouts where I felt like my ass was completely kicked at the end.  And that someone had kicked me in the stomach.  And I loved it.

Regarding progress:

• Had another photo session and holy moe!  I could actually see progress!  It was pretty darn exciting!  I was pretty excited!
• I tried a new interval yesterday b/c I have somehow bruised the pad of my right foot:  Kettlebell swings for 30 seconds and 30 seconds rest x4.  I have a 20 # kettlebell that someone gave me and I threw it yesterday b/c it was needed and good therapy.

Regarding real life:

• So shit got real with the shut down.  In the line of work I'm in, my pay is not impacted.  However, I'm now working w/ a skeleton crew at work.  And I work with Behavioral Health.  So it's like do more with less.  And that makes me a sad panda.
• The falling out of a friendship has occurred and I'm okay with it.  Took about 4 weeks for me to have some perspective and I'm grateful for honest friends.
• Still very much loving the Lean Eating program!

Week 10, how you doin'?!

Random thoughts to make an update:

• I've started adding a push up to every strength-training session so I can get stronger.  I am now doing 10 push ups at the end of every strength-training session.  Something that my Coach said to me that helps me focus, "A little more....a little better".
• I am going to stop apologizing for not blogging more.  Here's what I figured out:  When I've attempted to get smaller in the past, I always felt like the emotional stuff was there but I was always working around it.  And I would journal and cry and ponder.  This time, I'm going through it instead of around it.  And wouldn't ya know, I don't need to talk about it.  I'm just doing it.  I find that the GoTo Accountability Meeting that I attend on unpacking perfectionism will be a great place for the support and I am getting so much out of that.  
• I am getting stronger.  I struggle with side planks for I tried a modification today to just see if I could do it.  I did side planks for 30 seconds, took a second break and then planked for 20 more seconds.  It worked for the first 2 rounds.  Then I started to struggle so I rocked out one armed, triangle planks and it was awesome because I did it and some how managed to capture a picture of it!
  
  

• Entering week 2 of having double-black eyes but they are getting better!  Here, see?!: 

  

  • Beastmode, activate!

  
  
  

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Hello Week 9!

On to Week 9 in Lean Eating, where we focus on getting 5 servings of vegetables in daily.  The great news is that I've tried to eat some form of vegetable with every meal for a while now.  I just have to eat MORE.

My appetite has been down this week because I've been under considerable stress at work.  I'm managing but I'm sad and the workouts have been a wonderful distraction to helping me feel stronger than I think I am most days.

I'm still working on getting the red and yellow foods out of the house.  The great news here is that I've done a good job of keeping red foods out of the house.  You won't find Ben & Jerry's or chocolate in the house because they are trigger foods for me.  I also stay away from Kettle cooked chips.  It's nice to know these things now.

In addition to it being a rough time, I had my first LE injury this week.  I was in a rush to do my workout on Wednesday and was holding 2 five pound dumbbells in one hand to do my single-arm bench presses.  I'm aware that rushing while working out is a NoGo.  And I paid for it.  One of the dumbbell's slipped and wonked me on the forehead.  I thought, "Okay, I'll have a goose egg.  It's 5 lbs after all.  I'll ice it.  No big deal."  Wrong.

I have black eyes, two of them, for the first time ever in my life.  And the thing to know about black eyes...is that they get worse before they get better.  So this is the mild picture of me.

I wish I were more confident and not as shallow.  But working with two black eyes when your job is to talk to people and having people look at you funny gets old really quickly.  But I've been able to say, "well, you know..I do tend to beast out when I work out" and chuckle about it.

So here's to more veggies and week 9!

Stronger

I haven't blogged because it's been busy for me.  I haven't blogged because this time around, I think I'm doing instead of thinking b/c the Lean Eating program does the thinking for me.  As a result, I find myself popping in and out of the forums but not spending a long time there, getting bogged down with info overload.  And it's working.  I had my Accountability Group meeting on Thursday and admitted that I'm at that point in my journey where I start to self-sabotage.  I talked about it, got some spot-on feedback and feel like I'm on track.  Disaster averted!

The Accountability Group also helped me tap into the Dieter/Martyr mentality that I have.  As I understand it, this mindset occurs when I go overboard, and try to stick to the dieter's mentality of "I don't care that I'm still hungry; I only ate half of my meal, go me" instead of listening LISTENING to my body and what it needs.  Needless to say, I'm much more in tune with my legitimate hunger these days. 

Other stuff I'm noticing:

• Intervals are hard when I've not drank enough water.  Lesson learned!
• I'm getting tiny muscles in arms.
• I've lost 12.6 inches of girth overall since my first measurements were due on 7/27/13.  But the scale has been reluctant to budge.  Eye opener!
• My hip flexors and inner thighs are getting stronger.  Between the split lunges, squats, lunges that we've been doing and then my interval choices of running, biking on the stationary bike and jump rope, it's easier for me to bend over, get down, get up.  That's a nice gift!
• My complexion is better.  Funny, take processed, chemical shit-storm food out of your diet and your skin clears up!  Who knew!

Watch me hold still?

So it's been a little over a week since my last post on the blog and I think I realized why a few minutes ago:

• When I get scared, I retreat.  In the past, I've been dumb enough, brave enough to hold still and face stuff.  But these days, I haul ass with the best of them.
• I have the type of job that will not allow me to retreat, so I'm brave every where else most of the time.

But the lessons this week in Lean Eating where nailing the core of why I've tried and lost easily 100# before and not been able to maintain it.  And because they were smacking me between the eyes with so many, "oh...oh that's why I do that", I decided to let it sink in and be quiet.  So I don't think I really retreated.  I just held still.

And so often, I don't hold still.  I hustle.  I'm the duck that glides gracefully on water but is paddling like mad underneath.  Much of it comes from trying to figure out the big stuff in life...much of it is just who I am.  I'm not a patient person.  I've always been taught:

So at the end of 6 weeks, I just need to say:

• I am becoming more aware that my fear is not one of failure.  My fear is one of success.  Just who the heck will I be if I'm not "Wendy, the sweet funny gal with a weight problem".  That thought alone used to stop me in my tracks.  But you know who'll I'll be?  I'll be "Wendy, the strong, brave, fit badass".
• I did not think I would be able to work out for 6 weeks without taking 1 rest day every week. I thought, "yah..you'll probably have to miss some workouts".  I didn't.  I kept my head down and I did them.  For serious.  After long-ass work days, fatigue, fear and just grumpyness, I did them. 
• As I blog this, I'm using the hunger scale to not freak out and go eat.  I'm waiting.  My hunger is currently at a 3-4.  I won't eat until it hits 7.
• I am grateful for this program because at the of 6 weeks, I'm proud of myself.  Have I lost any weight?  Yah, but it's been a pound.  The scale has done what it always does...up 4 lbs one week, down 3 the next.  I've lost inches.  I'm taking up about 7 inches less of space that I used to.  
• And my job the next few weeks is to focus on my habits, my lessons and my workouts.  I get to let my Coach, who is kind and insightful, handle the data about girths and numbers.   I can do that.