Watch me hold still?

So it's been a little over a week since my last post on the blog and I think I realized why a few minutes ago:

• When I get scared, I retreat.  In the past, I've been dumb enough, brave enough to hold still and face stuff.  But these days, I haul ass with the best of them.
• I have the type of job that will not allow me to retreat, so I'm brave every where else most of the time.

But the lessons this week in Lean Eating where nailing the core of why I've tried and lost easily 100# before and not been able to maintain it.  And because they were smacking me between the eyes with so many, "oh...oh that's why I do that", I decided to let it sink in and be quiet.  So I don't think I really retreated.  I just held still.

And so often, I don't hold still.  I hustle.  I'm the duck that glides gracefully on water but is paddling like mad underneath.  Much of it comes from trying to figure out the big stuff in life...much of it is just who I am.  I'm not a patient person.  I've always been taught:

So at the end of 6 weeks, I just need to say:

• I am becoming more aware that my fear is not one of failure.  My fear is one of success.  Just who the heck will I be if I'm not "Wendy, the sweet funny gal with a weight problem".  That thought alone used to stop me in my tracks.  But you know who'll I'll be?  I'll be "Wendy, the strong, brave, fit badass".
• I did not think I would be able to work out for 6 weeks without taking 1 rest day every week. I thought, "yah..you'll probably have to miss some workouts".  I didn't.  I kept my head down and I did them.  For serious.  After long-ass work days, fatigue, fear and just grumpyness, I did them. 
• As I blog this, I'm using the hunger scale to not freak out and go eat.  I'm waiting.  My hunger is currently at a 3-4.  I won't eat until it hits 7.
• I am grateful for this program because at the of 6 weeks, I'm proud of myself.  Have I lost any weight?  Yah, but it's been a pound.  The scale has done what it always does...up 4 lbs one week, down 3 the next.  I've lost inches.  I'm taking up about 7 inches less of space that I used to.  
• And my job the next few weeks is to focus on my habits, my lessons and my workouts.  I get to let my Coach, who is kind and insightful, handle the data about girths and numbers.   I can do that.