Well, hello pectineus & adductor longus!

Wrapping up Week 5 of Lean Eating! 

And this morning, doing my second set of intervals for the week, I was introduced...or re-introduced to my pectineus & adductor longus muscles.  As in, I took off to do my first interval w/ Katy Perry's "Roar" blaring in my ears and my right pectineus & adductor muscles where like, "awww HELL nah". 

For. serious. 

I managed to get through my intervals (there were 4) and then I proceeded to do warrior poses, and lunges to stretch out my muscles. 

My biggest fear aside from being crazy successful in this venture is that I will be injured and not able to do my workouts.  Last spring, I was sick.  Wheezing, and rapid heart beat and I couldn't workout for three months because I had to see the lung and heart doc to see what was up.  Turns out it was just an allergy thing.  But not being able to work out for three months had me being very grumpy, angry and sad.  Working out back then was Jazzercise, mind you, but still, I felt betrayed by my body.  And maybe it's the fact I'm around Army ppl a lot, but I remembering thinking also, "I thought I was more resilient than this".

So I have stretched my muscles and weighed in.  Will do girth measurements this afternoon with the hubs.

Here's to five weeks of doing stuff that I didn't think I could do and having confidence to face what comes up next!

When all else fails, plank!

Yes, plank your ass off because when I plank my ass off, I sweat like a mofo and feel strong and brave.

And these days, sadly, I'm feeling more scared and puny than I ever thought possible.  And these feelings show up a lot at work.  I feel like I'm killin it every where else but at work, I'm sharing my workload for the first time in 2 years.  And I don't like what it's bringing out in me (think Mean Girls, 8th grade all over again, inclusion/exclusion dance).  At least I can recognize it, right?

And thank God for the workout today because I was in my head space of feeling puny when I went into the little gym at work, and worked my ass off.  And seriously, I can think of nothing else that makes me feel more badass then hoisting my 240 lb frame up on one elbow and rocking the shit out of some side planks...THREE TIMES.

As for the eating to 80% full, I had no idea that I associated fullness with contentment, security, safety until I tried to eat to 80% fullness the first night.  Then I just kinda had a meltdown.  I'm working on it and have always been one of those, "eat because it's time to eat" instead of eating for hunger.  Every now and then, the planets align and I get to eat because it's time to eat and I'm hungry.  Most of the time, I eat because I've heard, "you don't run a car on an empty tank, the same with your stomach".  Still taking my time eating and that part is getting waaaaaay easier.  The eating until 80% full is taking a time because it's just a different way of thinking.  I'll get it...I just have to pay attention even more when I'm eating now...which, if I"m honest, is kind of a buzz kill.  But a necessary one.

You're Gonna Hear Me Roar

Week 4 is about done.  Scale back down & girth #  down a tiny bit.  It's really nice to see the girth numbers drop & KNOW that I'm  taking up less space physically than I was 4 weeks ago.

Last workout of the week last week, I got my rear knee all the way down on split lunges.  I'm getting stronger.  My hip flexors are stronger.  And then intervals were awesome.

I put on Katy Perry's new song, "Roar" and ran my ass off.  Ran like there were zombies chasing me, panting & singing, "louder, louder than a lion 'cause I am a champion & you're gonna hear me roar."

I think it was my first realization that I CAN do this, that my body won't betray me.  That split second  of getting out of my head & celebrating my strength.

It was pretty awesome.

Check Mark Queen

I, like many of my Lean Eating buddies, LOVE getting green check marks.

So 4 weeks in...creeping towards 5..Here's the things I've noticed so far:

• It IS possible to take liquid fish oil every day and like it b/c it tastes like Lemon Meringue
• It's taking me around 18 minutes now to eat a meal..with my timer and with my non-dominant hand
• Since I'm doing planks in some shape or form every workout, I now engage my core when I flip over in bed.  And I don't flop around like a seal.  Silly but I realized this when I flipped over around 3 AM the other morning and the bed didn't squeak from me flopping.
• It IS possible to listen to my body and do what it needs.  This week, instead of making it to Jazzercise for my active recoveries, I walked.  I walked because I've felt pretty tired and my energy was low.  And that was okay.

And the physical indicators a month in:

• Split lunges still suck but I'm getting stronger
• I can now plank forward for 60 seconds without having to take a break & rock 30 second side planks
• Some days the workouts seem like a slog but not so much here of late
• I can do single-leg Romanian Deadlifts without hanging onto something (most of the time)

Realizations

 Bottom Line up front: It was a bear of a day.  Everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong and I spent much of my day, in my car, trying to fix stuff.  Sigh.  I thought a few times, "Fuck it, I'll go eat something b/c this sucks".  I didn't do that.  But I also didn't eat as much for lunch so instead of not listening to my body and trying to power through an hour long Jazzercise class, light headed and under-fueled, I opted for a 20 minute walk.  And just listened to the woods around me.  It was wonderful.

And now for the Whys.  Why I am doing the Lean Eating Program. 

1. Because I want to be smaller, fitter, stronger.

2. Because I'll feel better.

3. Because I'll be confident in myself when I'm smaller, fitter, stronger.

4. Because I've felt like a fraud being big and confident.

5. Because if my outsides match my insides, I feel like I can be who I'm supposed to be.

Hard one for me this morning b/c honestly, my answers were superficial. And I had to ask myself, "are you really doing this because of the size of your a$$?". And I was...and then I waited and more came to me. I have felt that I am not the person I'm supposed to be at this weight. This weight that I'm carrying belongs to someone else.

Hang on..it's gonna get deep: A therapist friend told me once that she believed we carry things that aren't always ours to carry. And I thought about it and came up with this:

• My parents weren't ready for me. It was their first pregnancy and I was born a month early. The crib/nursery weren't even set up. I carry weight in their anxiety of my early arrival and their inability to even accept that a little one could be born prematurely.
• I was a lovely child but wild as the day is long and had many many questions. And many times I was told to be quiet and to stop asking questions. I carry my mother's inability to parent differently.

And so on and so on. I'm not saying that my parents are to blame for the fact that I'm 100 # overweight. I'm saying that I internalized a lot of the anxiety and fear and depression that my parents had and have often thought my weight was a shield. Because even though I cuss like a sailor and talk a bunch of smack, I'm still as tenderhearted as they come and just want to be accepted for who I am. And the excess weight is like a constant interference...like static on a AM station..that prevents me from getting there.

The one where I'm proud of myself

Ok so 3rd round of measurements due today.  The scale showed me waaaay up but my measurements were down.

I want to say that I was a trooper &  didn't let it get me down.  It did get me down bc it's a routine example of how it's been with my body.  I take care of it, treat it well & then I step on the scale and have a WTF moment.  I've even looked down at it while standing on the scale & said, "well what more do you want from me?!?!". But then I remembered,  " you wouldn't treat your animals this way, screaming at them for not doing what you wanted".  I just wish I was more in sync with my body but I'm confident that will come w the Lean Eating program.

I know muscle weighs more than fat.  I know I ate less this week bc I slowed doooowwwn.  Hard to eat more when the phone hits 20 minutes & you're full.  I know that I didn't drink as much water.    I know I know I know... Doesn't matter that I think my scale is the devil & I need an upgrade.

So the scale was up but the inches were down.  And I worked today.  A long 10 hr day, working thru lunch.  And at the end I was tired.  And when everyone went scurrying home, I changed, grabbed my workout packet and went to do intervals.  And I did them, came home & got measured.

So the scale can kiss the fattest part of my ass bc I've had a good week.  It's gonna be like this sometimes.  I'm more than the measurement of gravitational pull on my body.

Beast vs. Dragass

So today has been a struggle.  Not with the eating slow stuff though.

Luckily, I scoured the forums and found tips.  I'm setting my iPhone and eating til the thing hits 20 minutes.  If I'm still hungry, I keep eating (hasn't really happened).  If I'm not, I put up my food.  I've heard that eating until you 80% full is a habit we'll get later and I'm wondering if I've been experiencing that. 

Couple of realizations I've had thus far:

• I don't need nearly the quantity of food that I've been putting on my plate.  The timer hits 20 minutes and most of the time, I'm full.
• Eating with your non-dominant hand will make you feel like your 4 again but it flippin works.  I'm left-handed except for when it comes to eating this week.  It trips me out, makes me laugh, and makes me GO SLOW.
• I beasted out my work out yesterday.  Here's a pic!
• I've been working out and hitting it hard until today. 
• I read somewhere on the boards that it is helpful to reframe and call workouts 'training'.  So I started doing that.
• And what I realized is that I have been slacking on my water.  And I didn't eat enough protein at lunch b/c there was a work potluck.  So not enough water, not enough fuel.  I borked during active recovery.  My active recovery is Jazzercise b/c I love to dance and I typically work really hard.  And I wear my heart rate monitor.  And normally hit in the 170s at the top of the Perceived Exertion Chart.  Today I maxed at 158.  Why?  Because I didn't fuel properly and it was flippin hot.
• I've been sleeping a lot this week.  Coming home, taking power naps.  I think the decision to do the Lean Eating program has been the wisest decision I've made in a while but I think my body is still acclimating to working out 6 days a week.  And my active recovery is an hour long, not the 20 minutes suggested b/c the class is an hour long.
• So I'm a tired panda but I'm happy.  I'm a happy, fish oil, probiotic-takin, slow eating panda!